1. They’re not afraid to get dirty: Techs are capable of completing limitless tasks while soaked in urine, diarrhea, blood, or just about anything else you can imagine. Until the job is done. A zombie apocalypse seems like it would be pretty messy. Point made.

2. They can provide medical care: Technicians not only PERFORM most of the hands-on medicine in veterinary hospitals, but have often seen doctor-only procedures countless times. For instance, in a zombie apocalypse emergency a surgery tech could probably ligate some stuff and close your abdomen. If you were REALLY lucky they would have some propofol, syringes and needles in their pocket as well. And maybe some ketamine/valium to take the edge off too.

3. They have a better chance at surviving: Zombies bite (supposedly). “Who's better at avoiding bites than a veterinarian,” the original list asks? Technicians in general, helloooo... Even in the event they were bitten, they would most likely trap the zombie behind a door or under a large blanket, allowing you time to run away and save yourself.

4. They know about nutrition: Let’s face it; the remaining people on earth would eat all human food remarkably fast. Luckily, you’re with a technician who a) knows where to find large stores of dog and cat food b) understands the nutritional content of most of those and c) there’s a pretty good chance they know firsthand what tastes the LEAST disgusting (hypoallergenic diets, shhh). If you’re lucky, there are microwaves available and a tech will know exactly how long you can microwave weird mixtures of baby food and cat food on HIGH without burning it (eight seconds if the ratio of baby food to other food is more than 2:3).

Related perk: Techs will know what items are microwaveable and safe for the purpose of keeping your body from freezing while you sleep at night, and they will not neglect to keep a layer of fabric between your skin and the item to prevent burns.

5. They can compartmentalize grief and deal with it later: So you’re in the middle of death, violence and chaos (a zombie apocalypse). What happens now? You think about all the good times you won’t be having, and all the people/animals you love who are now trying to eat you or being eaten... “HELP ME OUT!” your tech companion shouts, frowning at the depressing hole of sadness you are busy digging into your soul. You notice that they have already begun to build a zombie-proof enclosure surrounded by large fires. How is this possible? Techs have been dealing with grief their entire careers. They are capable of counseling others through periods of grief while being berated by things that deeply sadden them (animal death, pain, etc.). They are also capable of insane levels of concentration and efficiency during emergencies, no matter how awful a situation may be. Zombie apocalypse MVPs, one might say…

Summary: Vet techs are AMAZING.
Want more funny veterinary stuff? Check out On the Floor @Dove blogs at www.atdove.org/blogs!